How to Be Kind to Difficult People

We have so many concepts about others, and sometimes even before we know that person, we’ve already given them this label: “Difficult.” It’s like a big tag they’re wearing whenever we see them. So I think what’s obstructing us from dealing with them is our prejudgments and preconceptions about who they are. We have so many thoughts about them even before we get to know them. In a sense, this may make you less able to deal with a “difficult” person. And actually, if you take a closer look, it may turn out that the difficult person is you.

Whenever we have a biased view, there’s a big problem, right? When we look at someone with a negative view, a negative bias, then we only see this huge, negative quality of this person––nothing positive. When we’re having a difficult time in our relationship with a partner, for example, we begin to see only the negative side. “His desk is always a mess,” “She’s always late,” and things like that. But in reality, that person has both negative and positive qualities. We magnify one side of that person or another at different times. When we’re first falling in love with someone, we only see the positive. We don’t see anything negative about them at all. Isn’t that nice?

Once I was taking a trip and had just boarded the airplane. This was not long after the tragedy of 9/11. In a seat nearby there was a person who looked a little bit dangerous. I was getting uncomfortable, thinking, “Is this flight going to be safe?” and things like that. But as I looked around, suddenly I realized that other people might just as easily be having the same thoughts about me, thinking I look dangerous.

We’re seeing each other through the filter of these kinds of labels all the time.

Of course, this is a really difficult time in the world, with all kinds of violence, warfare, and other terrible things going on. So extending compassion toward all beings is very important. Compassion can actually overcome, transform, and heal every kind of harmful behavior or conduct.

But any label we put on another person, or on ourselves, places a limit or a barrier there. Compassion helps us have a genuine connection. It loosens those labels, and opens up new possibilities.